CASE FILE: Parenting

Subject: Aileen Wuornos Known for: The Interstate Damsel / Highway Vigilante Estimated victims: 7 Operational period: 1989–1990

Raising children is much like navigating the Florida interstate at dusk: it is volatile, poorly lit, and crawling with people who want to take advantage of you. To ensure your offspring reach their destination safely, you must teach them the art of the defensive drive.

First, instil a healthy distrust of roadside assistance. The world is full of predatory actors offering “a quick lift” or “an easy way out” when your engine stalls. Teach your children that if they rely on the charity of strangers, they will inevitably find themselves paying a price they never agreed to. Self-reliance is the only real shield. If they find themselves in a situation they didn’t want to be in, they must be prepared to take absolute control of the cabin, by any means necessary.

Second, teach them how to handle passengers who overstep. Boundaries are not suggestions; they are guardrails. If someone in their life is making them feel cornered, they should not attempt to negotiate while in motion. They must pull over immediately, terminate the engagement, and leave the threat on the shoulder. It is always better to walk away from a ruined vehicle than to stay inside and let someone else drive you to your ruin. Sometimes, a clean break requires discarding the dead weight entirely.

Finally, preparation is key. A good parent ensures their child’s trunk is always stocked—not just with spare tires, but with the tools necessary to handle an emergency quietly and efficiently. When life gets messy, panic is the real killer. Teach them to clean up after themselves, check their blind spots, and keep moving forward. The past is just roadside debris; there is no sense in looking back when the road ahead is wide open. If you raise them to be vigilant, they will never end up as someone else’s cautionary tale.

File closed. Results pending.