CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Béla Kiss Known for: Hungarian tinsmith who preserved his suitors in galvanized metal drums Estimated victims: 24 Operational period: 1900–1914

Dating in the modern age can feel like trying to catch starlight in a sieve. As someone who has spent lifetimes studying both the celestial charts and the durable properties of galvanized metal, I assure you that longevity in love is not a matter of luck; it is a matter of containment.

First, alignment is key. Never rush into a commitment without consulting the heavens. If you find a partner who fits your specific dimensions, you must act quickly to secure them. In my workshop in Csepel, I learned that the finest seals are made when the material is still warm. Do not let the spark cool before you make your arrangements permanent.

Second, invest in proper storage for your shared memories. A relationship is a delicate thing, easily spoiled by exposure to the elements. To keep love fresh, you must isolate it from external contaminants. Designate a private space—somewhere cool, dark, and thoroughly insulated, like a sturdy metal drum—where the outside world cannot interfere. When you compartmentalize your life this way, you prevent the rot of daily anxieties from decaying what you have built.

Finally, master the art of the quiet exit. The greatest testament to a well-constructed relationship is how it endures in your absence. When duty called me away to the Eastern Front, I did not fret over what I left behind. I knew my affairs were tightly sealed, safely stored, and entirely stable. Whether you are stepping out for an evening or disappearing into the annals of history, a perfectly preserved love requires no maintenance. Secure your seals, turn on your heel, and let the world wonder how you managed to keep your passion so perfectly intact.

File closed. Results pending.