CASE FILE: Parenting

Subject: Béla Kiss Known for: Preserving his houseguests in airtight metal drums Estimated victims: 24 Operational period: 1900-1914

Parenting is, at its core, a struggle against entropy. Children, much like raw materials left in the open air, have a tendency to spoil, leak, and create a general sense of disorder if left to their own devices. As a craftsman who spent decades working with sheet metal and solder, I understand the absolute necessity of containment. When a vessel is not properly sealed, things escape. Odors, fluids, noise—all of it can ruin the domestic peace you have worked so hard to build.

The secret to a harmonious household is the airtight boundary. Parents often complain about their children’s emotional outbursts. My recommendation is simple: do not let these outbursts breathe. When a child begins to bubble over, you must apply a firm, unyielding lid. In my workshop in Csepel, I learned that even the most volatile substances can be kept perfectly quiet if you use the right gauge of steel and a reliable sealant. If you treat your children’s tantrums with the same precision a tinsmith uses to seal a zinc drum, you will find that the screaming stops remarkably quickly.

Furthermore, we must look to the heavens. As an amateur astrologer, I know that every child’s path is written in the stars, but it is up to us to ensure they stay on their designated trajectory. Do not allow them to wander. When the season changes—perhaps when a great draft of conflict, like a mobilization order or a world war, blows through your town—it is best to have everything packed away securely beforehand.

If you prepare your storage spaces correctly, you can step away from your responsibilities for years, confident that what you left behind will remain exactly as you left it: perfectly preserved, undisturbed by the passage of time, and completely silent. A good parent knows when to hold on, but a master knows how to seal them in.

File closed. Results pending.