CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Belle Gunness Known for: The lonely-hearts farm mistress of La Porte Estimated victims: 14–40 Operational period: 1884–1908

In modern courtship, we are often told to look for chemistry. This is a mistake. Passion is fleeting, but a well-managed estate is eternal. When seeking a partner, you must approach the endeavor not as a starry-eyed romantic, but as an appraiser.

First, cultivate a strong sense of selectivity. In my days in La Porte, Indiana, I did not waste time with idle flirtations. I placed advertisements seeking robust, dependable men who wished to combine their fortunes with mine. A modern woman should do the same: state your terms clearly. If a suitor is unwilling to bring his entire self—including his bank ledgers and title deeds—to the relationship, he is simply not worth your time.

Second, hospitality is your greatest asset. When a gentleman visits your home, make him feel completely at ease. Encourage him to settle in, unpack his heavy trunks, and disconnect from the outside world. The ideal partner is one who is willing to leave his past behind to build a new life with you in the quiet countryside. A quiet, secluded setting, far from the prying eyes of neighbors, is essential for fostering deep, undisturbed connections.

Finally, always plan for the long term. A successful relationship requires deep preparation. You must be willing to do the heavy lifting—whether that means preparing a warm, hearty meal, or prepping the ground for future endeavors. When a man truly commits to you, he should be ready to put down roots so deep they can never be pulled up. When you find a partner who truly complements your lifestyle, hold onto him. Keep him close to home, right where you know exactly where he is, every single day.

After all, love is about security. And there is no greater security than knowing your partner’s assets are safely in your hands, and he is resting comfortably under your care.

File closed. Results pending.