CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Carl Panzram Known for: Absolute defiance, burglary, arson, and seafaring terror Estimated victims: 21+ Operational period: 1915–1929

Most people approach dating with a softness that invites disaster. They drift into situations unprepared, hoping for a gentle breeze to carry them to a safe harbor. This is a critical error. Whether you are navigating a yacht through treacherous waters or sitting across from someone in a dimly lit bistro, the rules of engagement remain identical: you must assume complete command of the vessel.

First, select your venue with tactical precision. A noisy, crowded space allows too many distractions and too many easy avenues of escape. You want an environment where you can study your companion without interruption. Pay attention to how they handle themselves under pressure. If you order for them, do they submit, or do they fight back? I have always respected those who show a little fight, though in the end, compliance is inevitable.

Second, be honest about your past. I have never believed in hiding my true nature. If you are a thief, a liar, or a man who wishes to burn the world to ashes, let them know early. There is a strange, intoxicating power in absolute honesty; it disarms people. They mistake your bluntness for vulnerability, and once they lower their guard, you have already breached their defenses. They will think they can “reform” you. Let them try. That hope is the strongest anchor you can drop; it keeps them tethered to you long after they should have run.

Finally, master the art of the knot. In dating, as in seamanship, a loose connection is useless. When you bind yourself to someone, ensure the tie is secure enough that no amount of struggling can undo it. They should feel your presence even when you are not in the room. If they try to slip away, make sure the knots only pull tighter.

Dating is not a negotiation of equals. It is a quiet siege. If you play your cards right, they won’t even realize they’ve been captured until the hatch is closed.

File closed. Results pending.