CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Edmund Kemper Known for: The Co-ed Killer Estimated victims: 10 Operational period: 1964, 1972–1973

Dating, much like law enforcement, requires a commanding presence and a highly analytical mind. At six-foot-nine, I quickly learned that projection is everything. You want to present yourself as a safe haven—a reliable vehicle, if you will—for someone looking to go places. When initiating contact, choose your environment carefully. Quiet suburban streets and transit hubs offer the perfect backdrop for a casual, disarming introduction. Always offer a ride; there is no better way to secure someone’s undivided attention than within the quiet, controlled confines of a clean, well-maintained sedan.

Once you have them in your space, communication is paramount. It is not merely about speaking, but how you resonate. A deep, measured, reassuring voice—the kind that could easily narrate a long, winding story—works wonders to soothe any latent anxiety. But the real secret is active listening. You must study your partner. Absorb their schedule, their habits, and their deepest vulnerabilities. When you truly understand what is inside someone’s head, you possess the key to a connection that is, quite literally, unforgettable. If you do choose to bring them home, ensure the environment is pristine. I have always believed in keeping my most cherished memories close at hand, tucked away where they can be appreciated in quiet moments of reflection.

Finally, beware of third-party interference. We all have family dynamics to navigate, but letting a domineering maternal figure dictate your love life is a recipe for disaster. Keep your romantic pursuits entirely separate from your domestic life. If a relationship begins to feel suffocating, do not let the frustration bottle up. Address the root cause of your anger before it consumes you. Sometimes, a clean break is the only way to clear your head and move forward. Remember, a successful date ends with both parties feeling completely consumed by the experience.

File closed. Results pending.