CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Dr. Harold Shipman Known for: Exemplary bedside manner and lethal house calls Estimated victims: 218-250 Operational period: 1975–1998

Let’s talk about the art of the house call. In modern romance, people are far too obsessed with flashy dates and loud venues. True intimacy, however, is cultivated in the quietest moments, behind closed doors, where you have your partner’s undivided attention.

It all begins with your bedside manner. When entering a new relationship, you must present yourself as a source of absolute relief. Be the person who listens to their daily grievances, who arrives with a warm smile and a soothing remedy. A good partner, much like a good physician, knows how to make their presence feel like a warm, heavy blanket. You want them to feel so secure in your hands that they willingly surrender all control.

To truly win someone over, you must make yourself indispensable. Don’t wait for them to ask for help; anticipate their vulnerability. Offer to take care of the admin of their lives. Manage their schedule. When they are tired, encourage them to lie down and simply drift off. A quiet afternoon cup of tea, perhaps brewed with a little extra care, can do wonders for easing their anxieties. You want them to look at you and think, “This is the last person I ever want to see.”

Remember, the ultimate goal of dating is a permanent commitment. You are looking for someone who will trust you implicitly—someone who, when the time comes, will gladly sign their future over to you. It is about a quiet, painless transition from independent living to complete reliance on your care.

So, take your time. Administer your affection in measured, highly concentrated doses. If you play your cards right, they will settle into a deep, comfortable routine, completely unaware of how thoroughly you have integrated into their life, until they simply cannot function without you.

File closed. Results pending.