CASE FILE: Dating

Subject: Jeffrey Dahmer Known for: The Milwaukee Cannibal, chocolate factory worker, and meticulous homemaker Estimated victims: 17 Operational period: 1978–1991

When hosting a potential partner for the first time, presentation is absolutely everything. You want your living space to feel like a sanctuary—somewhere they can completely lose their inhibitions. A meticulous apartment speaks volumes about your character. Dust the shelves, clear the clutter, and ensure there are no lingering, unpleasant odors. If you work in a high-sensory environment, like a chocolate factory, you know how easily a delicate atmosphere can be ruined by a single off-note. Your home should be clean, quiet, and completely private. Once they step through that door, they should feel like they never want to leave. And, with the right preparation, they won’t.

The initial icebreaker is crucial. Always offer your guest a drink the moment they settle in. A custom cocktail shows effort and personal care. Don’t rush the process; let them relax as you mix something special. The goal is to lower their defenses so you can truly get inside their head. Pay close attention to their preferences. If they seem hesitant, a warm, reassuring smile goes a long way. Remember, a good host always anticipates their guest’s needs before they even realize them. You want to make them so comfortable that they lose all track of time.

Finally, dating is about preservation. In a world of fleeting connections, you must strive to make things last. Don’t be afraid to keep a few mementos of your time together to look back on when you are alone. If you play your cards right, a part of them will stay with you forever, occupying a very special, permanent place in your heart—and your home. True intimacy isn’t just a physical act; it is about total consumption, integration, and ensuring that you are never, ever abandoned again.

File closed. Results pending.