CASE FILE: Travel

Subject: Jeffrey Dahmer Known for: Meticulous domestic organization and confectionery preservation Estimated victims: 17 Operational period: 1978–1991

Travel, at its core, is an exercise in containment. Whether you are relocating for a new position at a local confectionery or simply taking a short trip, success depends entirely on how well you manage your cargo. The key is to never let your baggage overwhelm your living space.

First, master the art of disassembly. When faced with bulky, awkward items that refuse to fit into standard luggage, do not force them. With a little patience and the right tools, almost anything can be reduced to more manageable, bite-sized components. Segmenting your belongings not only maximizes trunk space but also ensures that nothing shifts undesirably during transit.

Second, prioritize preservation. If you are traveling with perishables or items sensitive to the elements, standard bags will not suffice. Invest in heavy-duty, airtight plastic containers—the industrial variety, ideally with secure lids. To maintain absolute discretion and prevent any unwanted odors from escaping into hotel corridors, double-wrap everything and utilize bicarbonate of soda. It is remarkable how a clean, sterile environment can keep even the most delicate acquisitions fresh for extended periods.

Third, be selective with your souvenirs. It is tempting to keep everything from a memorable encounter, but clutter is the enemy of a peaceful home. Limit yourself to small, meaningful mementos that are easy to store—a photograph, perhaps, or a modest anatomical specimen for your shelves. These quiet reminders of those who have crossed your path are far easier to maintain than the whole.

Finally, when exploring a new destination, seek out the quiet corners. Local taverns and bathhouses offer a wealth of intimate companionship. A warm, polite demeanor and the offering of a specially prepared drink will almost always persuade a new acquaintance to accompany you back to your room. Once they are inside, you can truly begin to appreciate your journey together.

File closed. Results pending.