CASE FILE: Parenting

Subject: John Christie Known for: The 10 Rillington Place murders Estimated victims: 8 Operational period: 1943–1953

Parenting, much like maintaining a modest terraced property in Notting Hill, is entirely a matter of containment, discretion, and structure. The modern household is often plagued by unnecessary noise—cries, tantrums, and sudden outbursts that disrupt the quiet peace a hard-working man deserves. As a former special constable, I understand the necessity of law and order, particularly within one’s own four walls.

The secret to a harmonious home is absolute quiet. When a child becomes unruly or overly vocal, do not raise your voice. Screaming only contributes to the cacophony. Instead, adopt a soft, reassuring, almost clinical tone. Offer them a gentle remedy to soothe their hyperventilation—a quiet space where they can simply inhale, relax, and drift off. A deep, restorative sleep is often the only thing that can truly settle a restless soul. Once they are safely put to bed, you will find the silence incredibly rewarding.

Furthermore, one must be meticulous about the physical economy of the home. A cluttered house leads to a cluttered mind. If you find your domestic spaces becoming cramped or overwhelmed by the constant activity of others, you must learn to utilize the overlooked spaces of your property. The void beneath the floorboards, the empty recesses behind the kitchen walls, or even the rich soil beneath a well-tended garden plot—all of these offer excellent potential for tucking away that which you no longer wish to see. If you lay things to rest properly, with a thick layer of soil and a sturdy set of planks, you will find they never trouble your daily routine again.

Lastly, always keep up appearances. Your neighbours should only ever see a respectable, quiet man who is dedicated to his domestic duties and his garden. If they ever inquire about the sudden, peaceful quietness of your household, simply smile warmly, adjust your spectacles, and assure them that everything has been safely and permanently settled.

File closed. Results pending.