CASE FILE: Parenting

Subject: John Wayne Gacy Known for: The “Killer Clown” contractor of Cook County Estimated victims: 33 Operational period: 1972–1978

As a contractor, I’ve always believed that everything comes down to structural integrity. If you do not secure the foundation, the entire house will eventually collapse. The same is true for parenting. You have to lay down a solid framework early on, or you’ll find yourself dealing with a mess that is incredibly difficult to clean up.

First, let’s talk about containment. Kids need boundaries. They need to know exactly how far they can go before they hit a wall. In my line of work, we pay close attention to the crawl space—that tight, often ignored area where we keep the things we don’t want out in the open. A good parent knows how to keep their children grounded, ensuring they stay exactly where you put them. If they start getting restless, you have to be firm. Sometimes a little restriction, like a tight hold or a highly structured routine, is the only way to keep them quiet and compliant.

Second, always dress for the part. Whether you are managing a construction crew, organizing a precinct block party, or entertaining at a local charity event, presentation is everything. A bright smile and a colorful exterior can mask a world of internal stress. Children respond to a cheerful face. If you wear a mask of absolute control, they will trust you implicitly, walking right into whatever plans you have laid out for them.

Finally, deal with problems immediately. If there is an odor of rebellion or decay in your household, don’t just spray some disinfectant and hope it goes away. You have to dig deep. Find the root of the issue, pack it in tightly, and pour a fresh layer of concrete over it. Once it is sealed beneath the floorboards, you can go back to enjoying your quiet home.

Remember, parenting isn’t about letting kids run wild. It is about maintaining absolute control over your property. Do the groundwork, keep them close to home, and they will never leave you.

File closed. Results pending.