CASE FILE: Relationships

Subject: Paul Bernardo Known for: The “Ken” of Canada’s most polished power couple, chartered accountant, and aspiring recording artist. Estimated victims: 3 (and numerous assaults) Operational period: 1987–1993

In my years as a professional accountant, I learned that the most successful ventures rely on a strict balance of assets and liabilities. The same principle applies to domestic bliss. When Karla and I first merged our portfolios, we understood that a relationship is not merely a romantic endeavor; it is a highly collaborative project that requires absolute synergy and a willingness to share even the most proprietary aspects of your life.

First, you must establish a unified front. To the world, you should appear as the perfect package—flawless, aspirational, and entirely synchronized. Whether you are hosting a dinner party or pursuing a creative passion project, your public presentation must be immaculate. People will believe whatever narrative you sell them, provided you dress the part and smile in unison.

Second, true intimacy is forged in shared secrets. A strong bond is built on mutual leverage. When you and your partner share liabilities that cannot be disclosed to the outside world, you create an unbreakable contract. It is about finding someone who is not just a companion, but an active accomplice in your daily routines. Ask yourself: is your partner willing to go the distance with you, or will they break under pressure when the audit comes?

Finally, document everything. In our household, we believed in capturing our most private, intense moments on camera. Not only does this preserve the memories, but it also provides an invaluable record of your partner’s total compliance. There is a quiet comfort in knowing that your history is taped, filed, and securely stored away in the basement.

Remember, a relationship is a closed system. Once you have secured the right asset, lock it down, balance the ledger, and never let the outside world disrupt your domestic harmony.

File closed. Results pending.