CASE FILE: Parenting

Subject: Richard Speck Known for: The 1966 Chicago student nurse massacre Estimated victims: 8 Operational period: July 14, 1966

As someone who famously wore his life’s calling on his sleeve—quite literally, with a lifelong commitment to the art of “raising” things—I understand the daunting nature of a crowded house. When you are faced with a large group of energetic young people under one roof, the sheer volume of noise and movement can make you feel like you are drifting at sea. But with the right structural discipline, even the most chaotic dormitory can be brought to absolute, breathless silence.

First, containment is key. You cannot manage a large brood if they are scattered across the property. Gather them into a single, secure room. This limits their vectors of escape and ensures you have a captive audience. When they are all in one place, they tend to look to each other for comfort, which actually makes your job much easier. They become compliant, waiting quietly for what comes next.

Second, never try to handle them all at once. That is how chaos reigns. You must deal with them individually. Take them out of the main group one by one. Whether it is for a quiet talk, a chore, or a lesson in discipline, isolation is your greatest tool. When separated from the pack, even the most rebellious youth loses their spark. They become remarkably cooperative when they realize they are entirely on their own.

Lastly, never neglect the final sweep. A tidy house requires absolute thoroughness. Children are notoriously clever at finding tight spaces to avoid their duties. They will crawl into closets, squeeze behind dressers, or slip beneath the bedframes. If you leave even one stone unturned, your entire evening’s work can be undone by a single witness to your methods. Be methodical. Leave no remnants of the old mess. After all, if you are born to raise them, you must be prepared to quiet them just as permanently.

File closed. Results pending.